how to be a good parent

It's feasible that the best book I'll ever write was something I could have published a decade ago. I had this idea at the time to write about parenting. The book was going to have a stupid title like How to Be a Good Parent or something equally arrogant. The plan was to write one chapter with two words - "be around" - and that would be the end, no footnotes, no photos, no charts or graphs. You could probably have finished it in one sitting. It would have cost $27.99, but the paperback would have been cheaper.

In hindsight it was probably for the best that I kept the manuscript (if you will) to myself. Books promising instruction tend to suffer from a blindness to their own arrogance and this condition would undoubtedly have plagued the presumptive NYT #1 bestseller How to Be a Good Parent. If you combine this tendency with my own long-term residency at Arrogant House, you have a recipe for one of those unfortunate public reputations - the kind that pops up anytime you google someone's name. In all seriousness, the books that claim to offer some kind of recipe for success often fail to clarify that success is a mountain with many trails. For each and every one of us there is a unique route to the summit, so blindly following some nonsense published by a half-assed blogger probably is more likely than not to send us down (up?) the wrong path. Most importantly, I must also acknowledge that How to Be a Good Parent would be a major disservice to all those great parents out there who are unable to be around as much as they would like. This fact alone is enough reason for me to have no regrets about tossing my book idea into the rubbish bin.

And yet, there is something to be said for just being around. I've had a chance to see many of my friends become parents over the past few years. The one clear conclusion from watching them navigate this new life responsibility is that they have absolutely no clue what they are doing. The more subtle observation is that they are around, and just the fact of being around is more than enough to make them great parents. For me, it's like watching history repeat itself. My own parents did their best with me but that doesn't mean they were perfect. But my parents were always around, and that's why I say I had great parents.

leftovers: the daily micro-manager

I was poking through the TOA archives (not recommended) when I came across this amusing post. Seems like back in the day I had some big ideas about organizing the ways I was doing nothing...

Of course, sometimes I look at one of my bad ideas and think - was it really so bad? Could there be a good reason for me to bring this unnecessary book into the world? At the very least, it could prop up all those other unnecessary business books on the shelf, right?

Ultimately, I think the best serious argument for this book is the way it will function as my own little insurance policy. This book wouldn't be about cultivating any reader's potential. That's what I would tell people, but that wouldn't be the point of the book. No, this book would exist merely to protect my own desk by cultivating the unsorted mediocrity all around me into clearly defined means, medians, and modes.

Remember this if you remember anything - when you aren't being promoted every ten days, it means one of two things - either your boss is mediocre... or YOU are mediocre! If this unfortunate situation carries on any longer, it seems inevitable that your head is going to be on some kind of chopping block at some point. After all, if you have a bad boss, you'll learn the hard way that bad bosses are known for making dumb decisions. And what could be dumber than sacking a good employee like you?

And if you actually ARE mediocre, well... I'll leave that one for you to work out. But it doesn't matter, really, because one way or another those layoffs are inevitable. Just remember that when heads are rolling, there is nothing more valuable than having incompetent colleagues who share your job title. A book like this one would be a great gift for those folks, right? Follow my crap advice and get fired instead of me. I think this would work, don't you?

Maybe I will write it. Why not? I can see in my head a vision of The Daily Micromanager on bookshelves worldwide. It's sure to be a bestseller - after all, don't we all want to do nothing more than play Peter Principle Roulette to win?

the book this business bro isn't working on

Genre: Business / Colossal bullshit

Title: The Business Bro

Last and certainly least...

I realized I was already writing this book a couple of years ago when I printed out my 'managerial playbook' at work and needed to reload the printer. Since then, I've refined my loose-leaf binder into shorter lists and organized the concepts along tasks or responsibilities. Some of what I used has leaked into TOA and others I've organized into posts over on The BB.

The key question for this book is - what do I know? So far, I've only had the experience of going to work one day and learning that I had accidentally forced myself into a managerial role. On another day, I learned this same role made me surplus to requirements. So, at this moment, the book's focus is helping those who stumble into management - by accident - learn the ropes without hanging themselves - by accident. Manage that long enough, I think, and you'll have the start of a career.

Until then, keep an eye out for free chapters here...

Signed,

The Business Bro

the memoir i'm not working on

Genre: Memoir

Title: No working title

I started writing a journal the night my mom decided to stop cancer treatment and go on hospice care. I wrote daily entries at first, tapered off briefly, and resumed again until a few days after she passed. My last entry was on July 31, about a month after I started.

When I reread the journal a few months later, I was pleasantly surprised with what I'd written. There was nothing book-like about the journal, I suppose, but I thought there was a possibility that I could riff on the entries someday and add some new insights about illness, loss, or hospice.

Reading a number of Maggie Nelson's books in the months afterward opened my thinking further. I considered ways to reprint my entries and add new comments to each. Another possibility was to separate my entries with short essay chapters unrestricted by the forward-moving flow of a journal.

This went from being 'an idea in my head' to 'an idea I'm officially not working on' when I started hospice volunteering. Each shift added nuance to my understanding of the philosophy and my service over the past two years has led to more thoughtful reflections on the experiences I wrote about in the journal.

Starting this blog was another big step forward. I admit, a number of my posts so far are rough drafts of chapters to one day include in the book. Still others imitate the style of writing I would include in the book. And every post, whether it relates to hospice or not, enhances my writing skills.

One consideration for this idea is competition. There is a lot out of great writing already out there about illness and loss. However, I've noticed most of the published work in this area comes directly from the sick. I also commonly come across accounts from close family and friends serving as primary caregivers or medical proxies. In contrast, books about hospice volunteering are relatively rare. If this is going to work for me, I need to consider ways to adjust the angle of my approach and stand out by being noticeably different from (instead of relatively better than) my competitors.

the children's book i'm not working on

Genre: Children's book

Title: The Porridge Clause

Estimated publication date: Once I find an illustrator, I'll get going.

This idea has actually made a prior appearance on TOA (my post last January about fake book titles included it).

My intent is a rewrite of the classic fairy tale, Goldilocks. Though most of the details will be familiar to the average reader, the story will be told from the point of view of the three bears and it will be set a little later in the timeline of the original. It is possible this book will be interpreted as a sequel or a parody rather than a rewrite (which I'm fine with).

The lasting legacy of The Porridge Clause will be its exploration into why a blond haired, blue-eyed white girl breaking into a house of hard-working minorities is allowed to eat, sit, and sleep however she pleases in someone else's house without seeming to suffer any consequences. If I'm allowed by society to write a foreword for my own children's book (editor's note: he should not be) I will use this space to openly question why Goldilocks is glorified as a literary classic when it so clearly...well, let's not make the classic mistake of writing the book on the blog, shall we, little reader?

The main obstacle at the moment is one I alluded to above: I'm no illustrator. And unfortunately, I fear doing this with cats instead of bears will diminish the force of my point (so the skills I boasted about a few weeks ago will be of no help). Once I find an illustrator (preferably someone with a basic understanding of copyright law, as well, just in case I can be sued for this by whoever the racist inventor of Goldilocks was) I will probably think a little more seriously about this one.

the photo journal i'm not working on

Genre: Photography collection

Title: You Can't Handle The Pru!

Estimated publication date: 2019

Ever since I started living in Boston, I’ve joked that the Prudential Tower seems to follow me around. I’d make the comment whenever I would look up and see the building looming overhead – from the Public Garden, from Mass Ave in North Cambridge, from Union Square in Somerville, from my bedroom window. Like Dr. Eckleburg's eyes, 'The Pru' is just there, silent, possibly judging, always keeping vigil from its post high above the town.

Lately, I’ve started to think collecting my little observations would make for an interesting project. Instead of boring those around me with my comments, I would just take out a camera and take a picture anytime I noticed the building when I wasn’t expecting to.

Unfortunately, this would require a piece of equipment I currently do not have (editor’s note: a camera). I’ve compromised for 2018, just to see how it goes, and I’ve simply written down these instances when I would otherwise have taken a photo.

Here are a couple of the highlights so far:

1) I was surprised to see it from the Forest Hills station. It's an interesting view - lots of open space between the southern terminus of the ever-delayed Orange Line and the always-looming tower...

2) I was semi-surprised to realize I was almost directly beneath it one night when I looked out the window of the 39 bus.

3) I was not surprised at all to see it one morning while walking through the Public Garden - I've seen it from there about ten thousand times (approximately).

I’ll chime in from time to time throughout 2018 with more irrelevant updates.

the business bro presents: the how-to book i'm not working on

Hi all,

Let's take another brief break from my 'not writing this book' series.

For today, I asked The Business Bro to step in and offer his perspective.

Back next week with more of the usual crap.

Tim

Genre: How-To / Business Parody

Title: The Daily Micromanager

Estimated publication date: Posthumous, hopefully

I was wandering around a bookstore last April and noticed a plethora of books offering up one-page prompts for budding creators. One book was filled with topic suggestions for journal entries. Another challenged the reader to draw something based on the description atop the otherwise blank page. These were books written by an author...sort of...but to me it appeared as if the reader was doing all the actual work.

Or to put it another way, it seemed like an easy way to get my name on the cover of a book without actually writing a book. Pure brilliance. But how would I do this?

The micromanager was the best idea I came up with. For some reason, these days micromanagement is getting a bad rap (1). I could take up the cause and try to repair this unfair assessment, of course. Perhaps I could even write a book about it.

But wouldn't it be easier to just have everyone else repair the assessment for themselves by showing everyone the way to micromanage properly? If the full-length book is like the dentist with the drill, what I'm proposing is akin to having people teach themselves how to brush and floss properly.

Now, to details. The title plays a little bit on the word because the book would offer one small prompt (editor's note: micro) for budding leaders (editor's note: manager) to implement immediately. I would start on January 1 because business never rests with something like the following:

Think of one way to reorganize the office layout to improve your ability to supervise direct reports...

Of course, I'm not completely lazy. Remember, reader, micromanagers are usually the hardest working people in the office. It takes time to control everyone! So, I'll offer up a solution or two in the back of the book just in case it's one of those days and everyone would benefit from speeding things up.

For the prompt above, I might include this answer:

Build a standing desk for yourself directly behind EACH of your direct reports!

But really, reader, the idea here is for YOU to become a micromanager, not me. So buy a bunch of standing desks and get back to work!

Once I've properly set the tone, the book would settle into a pattern. Early in the week, the prompts will be more direct. Here's one example:

Criticize a colleague with a sentence that starts with the words 'I liked...'

As the week goes on, the prompts will start to look long-term. This is one I just came up with:

Devise an incentive scheme which will force your team to work longer hours in a desperate attempt to win a trivial prize.

The weekend and holiday prompts would encourage some form of work-home cross-pollination:

Identify one process in your personal life which could benefit from a regular biweekly touch-base.

I like the potential for this book (2). Let me know if you want to pre-order!

Signed,

The Business Bro

Footnotes / a finger point here, a spin-off there, and please don't sue me...

0. Parody?

The Daily Drucker is one example of the many similar books to this one. Since my title plays off his, I'll go so far as to say it is the best example of the book I'll attempt to mock/mimic here.

1. Blame game...

And who is voicing these criticisms? Surely, the incompetent employees in your company, the ones who are so dependent on direction, the ones you worry might forget to breathe if you weren't around to remind them! In other words, I'm sure those criticizing micromanagers are the very ones who need micromanagement!

2. Sequel?

Hardly. I suppose this one would translate so easily to one of those 'page a day' calendars that I would just coast off reprinting it in such a form for at least one more year.

the comic book i'm not working on

Genre: Comics

Title: No working title

Estimated publication date: How long does it take to learn how to draw?

I suck at drawing. This is why my blog posts are never accompanied by illustrations. But, like I've done with some other skills I'm too lazy to develop, I made myself good enough at drawing to be able to draw one thing well - a cat (1). This is similar to how some people, aware of the potential deadly effects of their singing voice, only sing one song at karaoke (but learn to do it well). Another analogy is for the person in your life who cannot cook, except for that one dish which could be served with a Michelin-star.

As they say, exceptions prove the rule.

The cats I draw are very basic. They are seated with front paws extending straight down in front of bent hind legs. The ones I draw are always two-dimensional. The rare cartoons I've drawn over the years involve these cats. The felines remain fixed in place from panel to panel with only changing facial expressions accompanying occasional thought bubbles. A common cartoon I draw shows a cat observing a situation, making subtle changes to its expression, and conveying some sarcastic insight to the reader.

The best idea I could come up with this litter box of a book would be a cross of Dilbert and Garfield. It would be something like Garfield set in an office or Dilbert with a cat sitting in the foreground. There are plenty of similar concepts already out there - namely, Dilbert and Garfield - but I'm less concerned about competition here than in other genres. In the comic strip field, it seems like most comic strips already resemble one thing or another. I'm sure my blended-plagiarism will go unnoticed (2).

Footnotes / I can fold a recipe into a crane / ways to rip me off

1. Or maybe I'm just only now becoming aware of how to make a hockey puck?

A good example is baking. I can bake up a pretty solid banana bread. Ask me to bake anything else and you will get a hockey puck.

Origami works here, too. I can fold a paper crane. Don't ask for anything else.

2. The losing battle against loneliness and depression...

Actually, something like this would be the best case scenario for my comic...

the novella i'm not working on

Genre: Short story / novella

Title: 'Riptides' / Riptides

Estimated publication date: Hey kid, I send this to The New Yorker every Friday. So go ask them.

In October of 2016, I had the opportunity to dig up a number of my college notebooks, binders, and textbooks. One of my discoveries was the portfolio from my sophomore year creative writing class. It was a crystal ball of sorts predicting the future known as TOA: self-indulgent critiques of other people's work, pompous reviews of stories I barely understood, and even a diary-like entry about a day I (apparently) spent entirely apart from all electronics.

There were also my first two proper attempts at short fiction.

The first story seemed like something I would write if I were imitating my conceptualization of a short story. The story involves A Ho-Hum Event leading to A Bad Thing. As the narrative progresses, the protagonist struggles to do The Right Thing. We readers see through key passages that the protagonist is A Good Person who is also A Flawed Person, or just human. The story concludes with an event which may or may not represent The Growth Of The Protagonist.

I thought my professor's comments were perfect: 'Tim, this story has a beginning, a middle, and an end.' I returned this work to its rightful place at the bottom of the storage box.

The second story was a different...er, story. The basic plot involved a kid just younger than my age at the time, around eighteen, struggling to determine if his late father was a heroic or a tragic figure. He does this as he kills time during the summer before leaving for college.

There was also a slow-dawning of understanding here, a subtle undercurrent if you will, regarding the mediocrity expected of him by his world: get a degree, get a job, get out. Is that all success means? He tries to put these two parallel threads together and the result is a meditation on the wisdom of swimming when there is a great risk of sinking.

The process of recently reading the story was a little shocking to me because I have no idea how I wrote about those ideas. What experience was I drawing from? What observations did I base it on? Still, that's what the story was, and that's what I'm currently not working on at the moment.

I was not shocked at all to see how wildly different the first and second drafts were. In fact, only the title survived the first revision. I might not have been a good writer by any stretch in college but I did give this class the same huff-and-puff I brought to the coursework in my majors.

I bet all my effort led to this real critique from my professor: 'Sit on this one for a while.'

It's been a decade, and counting.

the philosophy/anthropology/sociology book i'm not working on

Genre: Who knows?

Title: True, False, or Racist?

Estimate publication date: I'll start work on this the minute after this blog is accused of being racially insensitive.

This would be a series of short chapters where I describe an idea or observation and determine if the example is true, false, or racist. Overall, not much to the concept.

One thing I really like about this idea is the way the title explains the premise. And it is possible that I am a leading expert, pioneer, or both in this field. I've simply never heard someone describe comments with these somewhat ridiculous choices before.

One example of the sort of 'concept' I'll explore in this book is a local 'all you can eat' restaurant deal I came across in 2017. The name of the deal was 'Miso Hungry', a play on words involving 'Miso Soup' (a Japanese dish and, if I may say, a rather important one) and the whole 'Confucius Say' line of jokes which trivialize the difficulty some non-native English speakers have with a new language.

I looked up the phrase in preparation for this post and found all sorts of other uses (restaurants, a documentary, a podcast). No doubt, many find this a cute little expression. So, 'Miso Hungry'- true, false, or racist (1)?

The more I consider it, the more I think there might be something to this idea. Perhaps I will test run it with a recurring series on this blog. Let's see how this cookie crumbles, fortunate readers...

Footnotes / a reason to come back again

1. The first edition of true-false-racist, coming soon!

So, uh, so come back soon!

the documentary i'm not working on

Hi,

Let's take another short break from the "books I'm not working on" series. Today, we'll instead look at a documentary I am currently not filming.

Genre: Documentary

Title: Super-Driving Me

Estimated publication date: Whenever I'm forced to buy a car

Back in May, I drove up to visit my former college campus with a friend and former classmate. Colby is located two hours north of the Maine border and, therefore, is about a three and a half hour ride away from Boston. Though the plan was to alternate driving duties, I figured I could go the distance if needed. Three hours, maybe a little longer. What could go wrong?

Uh...

I took the wheel first. About forty-five minutes into the drive, my shoulders started to tighten. No problem. I shifted a little bit in my seat and adjusted my grip on the wheel to allow my shoulders to relax. A few minutes later, my back started to hurt. I tried another adjustment but this was met with an almost immediate return of the discomfort in my shoulders. Quickly, this discomfort grew into pain. I tried another shift but was met with immediate tightness in my left leg.

By the time I pulled into the New Hampshire Liquor and Wine Outlet (!!!) my body was minutes away from complete surrender. I wondered aloud if I'd pulled my hamstring and worried I was having a back spasm. I unhooked the seatbelt, pulled myself into a standing position, and collapsed dramatically against the side of the car. It took a few minutes before I could walk at normal speed. All this after an hour of driving!

In 2004, Morgan Spurlock produced and directed Super Size Me, a documentary film covering his attempt to subsist entirely on McDonald's for thirty days. Over the course of the month, he cataloged the changes his fast food diet made to his mood, health, and overall sense of well-being. If I recall correctly, even Spurlock's doctors were surprised by how quickly the diet impacted his overall health (1).

My idea is based on Spurlock's movie (but less dramatic). For thirty days, I'll replace all forms of transit around Boston with driving. Instead of walking a lap around the Public Garden each morning, I'll get in my car and drive around it. No more trips up and down the Red Line to visit hospice patients or go to the H Mart; keep your eyes peeled for me behind some wheel, singing loudly along with Bono or Sara Bareilles or T.I., zipping up and down Summer Street (2).

As Spurlock did, I'll keep a close watch on my health. I'll add a couple of athleticism metrics (like flexibility, strength, and lung capacity) but for the most part I'll keep the measurements in line with the choices he made for his film. I will (probably) not have a vegan girlfriend worried over (the highly likely) downward steps in my health (though perhaps driving will benefit my joints in some unforeseen way). I will ignore the financial side entirely (or at least, while on screen).

I expect this film to turn out pretty good (assuming I don't die in a fiery crash on day two). And who knows? The results might surprise me. Perhaps I'll become a Honda spokesman or an Uber driver. If it ends up being the latter, I'll remember to let my passengers pick the music.

Footnotes / spoiler alert / admin...

1.  Oh, big surprise...

The impact of his diet was not positive.

2. I mean, the goal isn't to die...

This will cover transportation only. I'll still exercise as usual and go on walks if it is part of a social activity.

And Hubway? Maybe the first person to publicly pledge to watch the film can borrow my membership for the month.