fortune cookie power ratings revisited

In this recent series, I evaluated all the fortunes I hoarded in my wallet over the years and determined whether I should keep or throw away each one. I intended the exercise as purely tongue-in-cheek and I’m sure that’s how it came off in each post. However, a nagging part of me hears the naysayers saying nay – sure, easy enough to ridicule a fortune, but if you’re so clever why not write a couple?

Well, reader, today I put my money where my General Gao’s chicken just was and respond to my imaginary critics. Below, I go through each fortune I highlighted and try to come up with an improved version.

Carry pieces of your childhood with you through life.

Actually, I like this one as it is currently written.

OK - starting for real... now!

The days you work are the best days.

Fulfilling work is the best use of the day.

Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.

Wisdom is knowing when your experience is relevant.

There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but only one view.

The same path leads to many mountaintops.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built.

A ship in the harbor is called a dock.

A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

A true friend wants the best for you.

Your ability to love will help a child in need.

Your ability to love will help anyone in need.

There’s no boosting a man up the ladder unless he’s willing to climb.

Boost a man up the ladder until he becomes willing to climb.

Perceived failure is oftentimes success trying to be born in a bigger way.

I actually don’t think this one is worth rewriting – there are a lot of ideas packed into the fortune and I don’t see a very productive way to distill those into a simpler message.

Happiness is often a rebound from hard work.

Hard work is the path away from sadness.

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

Don’t be a dumbass.

Pennies from heaven find their way to your doorstep this year!

Pennies are useless.

Do not spend the money you don’t have.

Fittingly, the final fortune is one that I like just the way it is written.

fortune cookie power ratings (part 6)

Good morning, reader!

Welcome to the sixth and final installment of my recent fortune cookie review. I hope that you leave this series with a better appreciation of the fortune cookie industry’s subtle lies and bring a more discerning eye to the next pointless message that impresses your fellow dining companions.

Please enjoy today’s final post.

Pennies from heaven find their way to your doorstep this year!

Do you see, reader, what we are dealing with? Pennies from heaven? Pennies are useless. Message to heaven – stop littering. If I had a million pennies, I’d probably end up on that hoarding show. If heaven is full of pennies, I’m not going.

True, False, or Racist?

This fortune broke the TFR algorithm. The lesson – pennies are useless.

Keep it or chuck it?

What, the pennies? How many do I have?

Do not spend the money you don’t have.

Uhhh... can I have those pennies, actually?

Anyway, is there a better time to read this fortune than after finishing a meal out? Here comes the check, but remember, don’t spend the money you don't have… thanks.

I realized that my habit of saving fortunes and, to a lesser extent, the existence of this very project goes back to this one message. I don’t remember the exact moment I got this fortune – my guess is it came after a series of meals at Sato II, a little restaurant near my first job where I would regularly meet a friend for lunch. I’ve kept the fortune in a somewhat prominent place in my wallet ever since (though I don’t look at it more than once a month).

True, False, or Racist?

False, though only from a technical perspective. The obvious counter here is borrowing and I agree that such a literal interpretation of the fortune pushes the thought into the false category – when we borrow, we spend the money that we don’t have.

Keep it or chuck it?

Keep it.

Although I acknowledge the fortune is technically inaccurate, I like how it provides a good rule of thumb for thinking about personal finance over a lifetime as opposed to over a wallet. Just as a careful borrower considers future earnings when taking on a loan obligation, a careful spender considers future purchases when weighing a decision in the present. If I’m due to spend money tomorrow, then in a way I know I don’t have that money to spend today.

fortune cookie power ratings (part 5)

Hello, hello –

I think we know what this is all about by now.

Perceived failure is oftentimes success trying to be born in a bigger way.

What?

True, False, or Racist?

False. This message’s ambiguous phrasing is an interesting feature. Generally, I hear this kind of thing from people who are so afraid of being technically inaccurate that they lose the power of their statement in the process of removing any and all details. Well, I think a statement so broad that it simply cannot be true is also so broad that it cannot be useful.

‘Perceived’ failure means… what? It sounds like it should just mean ‘failure’, but then we would say… failure… so it’s obviously something a little different... maybe? And ‘oftentimes’ sounds like a lazy argument – I see that oftentimes is used here to acknowledge that the statement isn't always true, but if that's the case why would I accept it as true for the purposes of this fortune? If it’s supposed to be true, it better always be true, don't you think?

Anyway, moving on – as far as a fortune goes this ambiguity seems unusual. It’s certainly been rare thus far in my sample set. Every fortune I’ve reviewed has at least tried to pass itself off as 'fact' (despite my determination that seven of the eight have been false) by using clear, declarative statements. I wonder if this explains the popularity of fortune cookies – strong statements create the impression of truth, especially if the idea itself is false.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

Happiness is often a rebound from hard work.

Here’s another wishy-washy message that readers will be stunned to discover I’ve determined as…

True, False, or Racist?

False!

This isn’t as simple as my knowing enough perfectly happy people who don’t do anything. It’s also not that I know a lot of hard working people who remain unhappy. I think what I’ve learned from my experience is that hard work can help a great deal with sadness and that this indeed can help me become happier. But being less sad is different from happiness, a far more elusive feeling.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

Failure is the opportunity to begin again more intelligently.

Is there a better way to wrap up than with a Failure Fetish Fortune?

True, False, or Racist?

False, false, false, false, false!

Why am I constantly finding people who insist on failing first before doing anything else? How about succeeding first? Or at least just not failing? My guess is that a lot of these ‘motivational’ messages come from people who don’t have a good understanding of failure. If someone is able to ‘begin again’ with more intelligence, that sounds to me like a setback, not a failure.

A failure is when you are unable to start again. I borrowed that thought from the following quote – success is never final, but failure can be. I agree with the quote in general but I would amend it – failure is final.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

fortune cookie power ratings (part 4)

Howdy reader,

Let’s roll through a couple more of the fortunes I’ve held onto for the past few years.

Your ability to love will help a child in need.

I can imagine this fortune leading to a contented diner becoming overwhelmed by emotion – such is the effect of inspiring words interacting with a stomach full of Peking ravioli. However, I’m here to put the brakes on this one purely for child welfare reasons – prescribing ‘love’ as The Ideal Solution overlooks the effectiveness of food, clothing, shelter, and many other tangible things in terms of meeting a child’s needs.

True, False, or Racist?

False. May I continue my rant?

I also think this fortune needlessly divides people into groups called ‘children’ and ‘not children’. Why can’t love help an adult in need? The short answer is that it can. The fortune simply plays on the relative fear we have of adults that we do not have of children. We think of children as helpless but the better term is powerless – a child is simply less capable of hurting us than an adult and we therefore have less fear of a child. This is a good instinct, I think, but it’s useless in the context of simply helping others in need because I do not think our fear of being hurt should influence our decisions in this regard. It’s hard to help anyone without risking something. We should simply try to help, acknowledge the inherent risk, and accept the results – even if those results are not obviously helpful.

Keep it or chuck it?

Keep it.

The fortune isn’t perfect but I think the complexity of the underlying idea is a critical consideration.

There’s no boosting a man up the ladder unless he’s willing to climb.

It seems like we have a bit of a theme today! My position here remains the same – we should try to help people. As long as it’s advantageous to move up the ladder, we should risk what we can afford to help others move up.

True, False, or Racist?

False. I can think of a million reasons why someone might be unwilling to climb up a ladder. What if his leg hurts? What if it goes against her religion? What if it’s windy? Someone watching this scene could think up a really cute story – well gee, so and so isn’t willing to climb, so I won’t boost him. Narratives are an obviously important part of what we do here on our little blue planet but I will be the first to tell you that we all waste a lot of time inventing stories that ascribe interesting, malicious, or unlikely explanations to observed behavior.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it – this was arguably my least favorite fortune.

fortune cookie power ratings (part 3)

Hi all,

Welcome to part 3 of my fortune cookie examination.

A ship in the harbor is safe, but that’s not why ships are built.

I thought this was among the best fortunes in the bunch. The message is clear, there is some entertainment value, and the fortune is broadly true (unless you’ve just shared scallion pancakes with a committed nitpicker).

Of course, broadly true is another way to say...

True, False, or Racist?

False.

Speaking of nitpickers, let’s take a moment to pick those nits…

First, ships in harbor aren’t always safe. There are storms, for example, that might wreck havoc on a resting vessel. The ship could also come under attack from nautical threats such as poorly steered ocean liners, suicidal blue whales, or determined pirates.

I also reject the notion that all ships are built to leave the harbor – some boats seem designed to sit in port and serve as symbols of wealth and status to all us suckers with our feet stuck on dry land.

Keep it or chuck it?

Keep it.

I know this breaks from the pattern of chucking any false fortune but as I noted I do like this one. You should keep what you like, I say.

A true friend walks in when the rest of the world walks out.

This is another classic fortune cookie technique – cook up some feel-good nonsense that no one really wants to dispute. Well, let me tell you, reader, that I think this message establishes unreasonable standards for friendship. Sure, it’s nice to have friends who will support you during difficult times, but is that grounds for separating friends into ‘true’ and ‘untrue’ categories?

The bigger problem here is the notion of the world walking out. What does that even mean? Look, I’m stung whenever my acquaintances appear entirely disinterested about my various sufferings but on a planet of seven billion people – many suffering far worse than me – expecting The World to care about my petty grievances is a selfish position. The world never walks out because the world is never there to begin with.

True, False, or Racist?

False, unless you’re looking for an excuse to cut friends out of your life.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

Try this thought instead – true friends give what they can and expect nothing back.

fortune cookie power ratings (part 2)

Hi everyone,

Let’s resume my recent spring cleaning project of going through the fortunes I’ve hoarded over the years, determining whether each is True, False, or Racist, and making a decision about whether to keep it.

The days you work are the best days.

The first time I saw this fortune, I laughed out loud at the absurdity of the idea. Everyone hates work, right? The boss yelled at me again, what a great day!

I considered it a little differently when I realized that accepting multiple definitions for work changes the meaning of the fortune. Sure, in terms of what people grudgingly do for a living, the concept is ridiculous. However, the work of building and creating fulfilling lives is among the most satisfying activities.

True, False, or Racist?

False. Although I recognize that ‘work’ is not bound to a single interpretation, I think for most people work is a reluctantly accepted means to some other end. I suspect our society’s glorification of work also leads some to exchange what might be a fulfilling career for higher pay in a less meaningful field – exchanging meaning for means, so to speak – and I think stamping out this message will help many stay on a path that best serves their deepest, non-material needs.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

Doubt is the beginning, not the end, of wisdom.

This is a classic fortune structure – present recognizable yet shallowly understood concepts and frame them in the context of a needless duality. The result is messages like this one that look clever on the first glance and leave satisfied diners nodding in admiration.

Unfortunately for fortune cookie writers everywhere, I have thought a lot about wisdom and I have a working definition – wisdom means knowing when your experience is relevant. This has nothing to do with doubt because doubt means knowing something yet pausing to double check or second guess.

True, False, or Racist?

False.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

There are many paths to the top of the mountain, but only one view.

This is another example of the ‘classic fortune structure’ because most folks have never climbed a mountain yet can probably form a basic mental approximation of the task.

I disagree with both ends of this message. There are some mountains that have only one path to the top (unless you make an exception for flying a helicopter, I suppose). I’ll leave this point to you, reader, for further dissection.

More importantly, there are so many more views than just one. I know some climbers are satisfied by their accomplishment while others can only think about the next challenge. I’m sure some climbers consider ways to help others reach the same place while others take pride in the solo accomplishment. Finally, there are those who feel the ascent completes the mission while there are others who suspect the journey down is the real mountain.

True, False, or Racist?

False.

Keep it or chuck it?

Chuck it.

fortune cookie power ratings

Hi everyone,

Many moons ago, I wrote a post introducing one of my truly clever ideas – the fortune cookie power ratings. In that post, I essentially expressed the following Talking Points:

1. I’ve always liked reading the fortunes.

2. I liked having reminders of home.

3. Not all fortunes made sense.

4. I’d recently noticed a subtext of ‘Confucius say’ racism in certain fortunes.

5. It might be fun for me to occasionally come on TOA and decide if recent fortunes were True, False, or Racist (a concept I cooked up in this ancient post).

At the time I did honestly think I would make this a regular TOA feature. However, looking back I realized that I should have placed greater emphasis on:

6. I rarely get Chinese takeout.

The reality of #6 meant I’ve basically gone all this time without acquiring any fortunes to analyze through my venerated TFR algorithm. Oops…

A couple of weeks ago, a solution emerged for my problem. For some still unexplained reason, an entire box of fortune cookies appeared in one of the communal kitchens at work. I ate a cookie or two and tucked the fortunes alongside those I’ve always stored in my wallet. At this point, I realized – oh yeah, I’ve always had this weird habit of tucking fortunes into my wallet. As I counted out the twenty or so slips of paper, I realized once again… oops…

I’ve thought about this for a few days and I’ve decided that I have far too many fortunes in my wallet. After all, if I didn't think about them when I needed fortunes to analyze, when will I ever think about them? It's time to cut down. So, over a few upcoming posts I’ll do a little spring cleaning on my wallet’s stash of fortunes and see if I can’t bring the number down to a more reasonable total. I’ll consider what the fortune means, run it through the TFR algorithm, and decide if it’s worth keeping in my wallet.

For today, let’s finish up with a look at that most recent fortune I referenced earlier.

Carry pieces of your childhood with you through life.

This is a great concept and one I touched on in the original post. I think it’s important to create little moments of nostalgia for myself so that I can remember where I came from and not lose touch with some of the most important aspects of my character. I also find it fitting that this message is on a fortune because I remember Chinese takeout as family time – we’d order a few items on a Saturday night, put on a movie, and chill out.

True, False, or Racist?

True – not every aspect of childhood should inform us in adulthood but I feel keeping in touch with our memories helps form a framework for leading a fulfilling life.

Keep it or chuck it?

Keep it.